If you are one of the unlucky bastards that isn’t fortunate enough to own a copy of GTA IV, then AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA…. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH…. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ahem. Now, in an attempt to be half way useful, here are some ways to occupy yourself until you manage to swindle a friend into letting you play.

1. Play GTA: San Andreas with the volume down and make snide remarks in an Eastern European accent.

Why play the real thing, when you can fabricate your own version! Run over your fellow man while spouting phrases from Borat, such as: “I like you. I like sex. It’s nice!” “Do not fear me gypsy, all I want is you tears.” “Don’t look at me like that, I will eat your shit! You fuck my mother!”

2. If you own a PS3, play…. Umm…. Uh… Halo… No… Uhhh… What’s that one game…?

Seriously, PS3 doesn’t have shit out for it on it’s own. If it wasn’t for third-party games, the PS3 would be an overpriced Blu Ray player.

3. If you own an X-Box 360, play Halo 3 until the X-Box overheats… So… 5 minutes.

God damn you Microsoft! Can we get something from you that doesn’t burn, crash, or enslave the human race?!

4. Read? ROFL.

Maybe if it’s a Playboy! AM I RITE?

Does Playboy Magazine still exist? Why would anyone pay for shit you can get for free on the internet? Especially with the variety and ease of use. Plus, you get video and you there’s an unlimited supply… What was I talking about?

5. Go to Gamestop and stand near the GTA: IV games and hope someone will buy you a copy.

Make sure you wear your grungiest shirt. It’ll probably have Jar Jar Binks on it or some stupid computer programmer joke like:

$DO || ! $DO ; try
try: command not found

If you look pathetic enough, and trust me you look pathetic. You might get some parent to buy you a copy of the game and they may even pay for a shave and a haircut, you unkempt bastard.

6. Watch House MD Reruns.

Damn, that’s one awesome ass show.

7. Take up a Hobby. I hear whittling is fun!

Whittle yourself an X-Box or a PS3, then a wooden copy of GTA. The next best thing to actually having it, is… Not actually having it.

8. Not old enough? Bums aren’t doing much and Vodka is cheap!

When all else fails, do what South Park kids do. Offer a bum some money for some Vodka and get him to buy you a copy. Once you get it, run by Gamestop with GTA in one hand and the middle finger in the other. Nothing says success like the sour look on a Gamestop employees face.

9. Go around your neighborhood knocking on doors asking if they own GTA and if so, can you play.

There’s no better way to get to know the neighbors, then by going door to door. Sure, you are going to get a door or two slammed in your face. You may even get stuck talking to an old person for a few hours, but the reward of being able to play GTA in some strangers house is worth it.

10. Write up a list of things to do if you don’t actually own GTA.

I swear, it’s as entertaining as it looks… FUCK, WHERE’S MY JAR JAR BINKS T-SHIRT?!