If you are as fat as Hedonism Bot, then this post is for you.

If your nicknames include any of the following: fat ass, tubs, lardo, chubs, tons of fun, beluga whale, notorious f.a.t, lunch box, freight train, fatty mcfattyington, chunko, butterscotch, cream filled, shamu, tasty cakes, hostess, and big mac. Then this post is for you.

Enough of that, tubs. Let’s get down to business… Fat ass.

So you are tired of being a fat bastard and you don’t know where to start. Well here’s the place Big Mac.

1. Cut out the Fast Food, Chubs.

It’s all bullshit. I can hear your whale song now, oh but it’s so cheap, it’s so good. Go eat at a real restaurant you fat oaf. It’s high in saturated and Trans. Fats. Two of the big nasties. If you are looking for an early grave, then by all means, continue on with your three tacos, chicken quesadilla, and nacho supreme. But if you actually WANT to get laid, then consider cutting out the fast food, or at least cutting back on it drastically. If you want convenience then go to Subway, Quizno’s, or Togo’s.

2. Goodbye Coca-Cola, Hello Water… Fatty.

Get rid of your bubbly friend. Soda has basically no nutritional content, and is just empty calories. Cutting back on Soda, and Fast Food by themselves will most likely cause you to lose weight. Do it for your penis, you know the thing you haven’t seen in a few years.

3. Walk, Jump, Run, Skip, Roll, Crawl, for at LEAST 30 minutes, 5 days a week.

It’s not that fucking hard. I’m not asking you to run in a marathon, just walk around your fucking neighborhood for a half hour. Once that becomes easy, and you are shedding some weight, then you can TRY jogging and what ever other activities that gets your fat porpoise ass sweating. Thirty-minutes isn’t asking for much, and your clogged heart will thank you.

4. Eat Veggies. Darth Vader: NOOOooOoOoOoooOooooOooOoOooOOoOo!

Vitamins, low calories, and just all around goodness is to be had by eating veggies. I know, some of them taste like the bottom of a booth in a New York Subway, but give them a chance. If you’re capable of sticking it out, you’ll be liking them more and more. Many people don’t care for Coffee, Beer, or Wine, the first time they try it, but they end up becoming Caffeine Junkies, Alcoholics, or Gay people. It’s called acquired taste, so acquire a taste for veggies, before you start getting hemorrhoids, and looking like Jabba the Hut. (Two fucking Star Wars references in one step, god damn I cater to you bastards.)

5. Lift Weights. No, I don’t mean your fleshlight.

Get into the gym, or just buy some free weights. Building muscle, is the gateway to shedding pounds and looking like a person worth talking to. Plus, if you are able to find a buddy to go the gym with, you might actually make a friend or two who isn’t pixelated. You don’t have to be a Meat Head, to benefit from lifting weights. Just make sure not to go into it like an idiot. Read up on the subject, then go accomplish goals for yourself.

Quick tips

If you are too much of a shit head to try vegetables, then try Greens+.

Greens Plus is a 100% natural blend of 29 nutrient-rich Superfoods, Sea Vegetables and High-Energy Herbal Extracts. One serving of Greens Plus delivers more organic vitamins, essential minerals, live enzymes and high-ORAC antioxidants than 5 full servings of fresh fruits and vegetables, and provides every vibrant color in the dietary food spectrum, as recommended by the United States Department of Agriculture.

- Source

If you are just eating consistently the same thing day after day, then consider a multi-vitamin. It’s hard to eat the same shit every day, and get all the vitamins that you need. If you do eat well balanced meals, then don’t bother.

For god sakes, don’t take my word as the bible. I mean I’m basically a genius, but RESEARCH. Everything you do in life, or purchase should begin with research, then go on to the task at hand. Don’t be an uninformed moron, you make the world a shitty place.